Christmas is only a dozen or so sunrises away from us now. What does that mean? Sure, the fat man will slide his massive buns into a few billion living rooms and gorge himself on cookies and milk while leaving behind a few hastily made elven trinkets.
Not long after that, we'd usually all gather together in our finest attire to say “au revoir” to another year that has passed us by. We search for a glimmer of hope or a pop of promise in the bottom of a champagne flute. As Auld Lang Syne emanates from the piano in the corner, we grab the nearest stranger and lock lips in a wet, awkward kiss that is not only desperate but hopeless and helpless at the same time. This swap of saliva is a collective middle finger to the past year.
Yet, this search for clarity and inspiration resulted in nothing more than the fog of a crippling hangover. So, what do we do next? Many people believe the best way start the new year off is to abstain from alcohol for 31 days. Dry January…
Now, I am not here to say that Dry January is a bad thing. Not at all! We all want to be fit. We all want to be happy. But to some of us, Dry January can be a foundation built upon a house of cards. A setup for failure. It can be the iceberg that derails a titanic year.
That is why I am proposing a middle ground. “Dry-ish” January. Or “College Try” January. The title is still a work in progress…
We made a beer for this middle ground. Named after Thom Yorke’s binary, robotic masterpiece of an interlude, we announce Fitter, Happier Hazy IPA. It is a 3.5% ABV, 100 calorie crutch to help you limp into 2021 with shreds of your dignity still intact. This beer is a trial born from the Imagination Station that is clinically proven to help you be fitter, happier. More Productive. Comfortable. Not drinking too much. Regular exercise, three days a week. Get on better with your associate employee contemporaries. Comfortable. At ease. Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats. A patient and better driver. Sleeping well, no bad dreams. Careful to all animals, never washing spiders down the plughole. No killing moths or putting boiling water on ants. No longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows. Concerned, but powerless. Will not cry in public. Calm, fitter, healthier, and more productive. A pig in a cage on antibiotics.*
*There is no clinical evidence prove of any of the claims made. This is just a stupid blog post based on an obscure Radiohead song. Happy Holidays friends!
Posted December 11, 2020